My own story

When I started the journey towards freedom I knew that the story of my life and what I have been through wasn’t the problem. I knew getting freed of my story and the trauma wasn’t the end point. it was merely the beginning. After being freed of the story and the thought that something that happened in my life created the circumstances I was in, there was room to feel. In the Psychologic phase we learn, and then in spirituality the learning has to be let go and we have to be willing to experience everything instead of knowing. Everything you tell or know about a feeling will make you move away from the experience of true feeling.

When the story was gone and the feelings that were attached to the story were felt- the hearts desires showed them selves in their purest form. The desire for safety and love which combined make the beautiful desire of security. every human has those desires in their heart and are longing for them to be answered. After the freeing of the story I was able to feel these desires so pure and raw that I instantly knew that if you aren’t able to feel the desires purely, you are always attaching them to a story or an outside issue and you will make yourself dependent of something outside yourself. This is were addiction and dependence starts.

What I realised is that what I experienced as a kid was all tied to a certain story and created a belief structure. but what I experienced as a baby was purely experiential. no story, no idea of what it is I want - just the pure desire for love, warmth, safety and food. In my life there has been such extreme neglect that the experience of this little baby that I was, was heart breaking. I never thought about myself as a baby, only as a kid who missed her mom or was left alone in the house or at the school play ground. These were all memories that were explaining how I felt. But it wasn’t where the pain was created. The pain or rather call it the missing, the extreme missing as a baby of warmth, love, food and just presence of someone- was something that was imprinted so deep in to my soul. Without being tainted by memory or mind that makes stories out of it. It was the pure energetic experience of this that was imprinted in my body and soul.

I am on this path for a couple of years now and the last years have been years of freedom, peace and a tremendous amount of love. But only today- on my moms passing date - I can literally feel the experience leaving my body. Death and things associated with a death are a portal to the deeper dimensions and give you the possibility to experience things in yourself you never knew existed. Death is extreme transformational and I had to found that out the hard way. My mom, my father, my grandma, my son and my foster daughter are all died way too early and they all died while I helt them close to my body. The things in my life have been extremely painful and at the same time my life is filled with a love so deep that not a lot of people get to experience in their life.

Now is the time to let go of this experience and the time is now because for the first time in my life i have found a love where I feel safe enough to say; ‘’I need a hug, I need love, I need warmth and I need food, can you please help me with this?’’. I am so grateful that you opened your heart for me and that we together created a safe place in our hearts to live in. I have found my place with you and for the first time ever I can truly ask for help. Without demanding, without wanting a certain result and without hoping that one day these needs will disappear because they will not. As long as you have a body, you will have these needs. Enlightenment or freedom isn’t the disappearing of these things, it’s the disappearance of the psychological need to need anything. That’s where suffering is created.

Self love is the beginning of everything. You need to be willing to love yourself first before asking it from someone else-  Then, having the strengt to share this love with someone AND THEN having the courage to be vurnaraable and ask for this love to be returned- that’s the circle of life.